After a couple of week’s rest I am back to my weekly blogging. This week as guest blogger, is a wonderful lady who has weathered all kinds of storms. Her story is one of triumph over disappointment, disease and tragedy, yet she has chosen to worship Jesus through it all. As you read this, be encouraged, and as always, if you need prayer you can contact me on here.

It’s another Sabbath afternoon…

It’s been sixteen months, since that fateful day cancer decided to make a home in me, and quickly spread throughout my little pint size body, as my elder sister readily describes my physique.

I seat on my bed, staring at the beautiful blue sky, with the hues of the sun streaming in kaleidoscopic threads, on the red bricked rooftops.

My eyes glaze with unshed tears.. I can barely hold myself together, before I begin to bawl, as my shoulders heave indomitably, as though intending to purge out all the pain and sorrow that smothers me. It’s the fourth time today…
I use to hold myself together, but lately, I’m a basket case…

Allow me to whine a while…
I’m not eating well…
I’m not sleeping well…
My threshold of pain is horribly targeted at ground zero…

“Beloved, you have to hold yourself together.”
At such times, the only ones to cheer you on through such a lonely disease plagued journey, is you and the Holy Spirit, whom hopefully dwells in you.

I find myself thinking soundly of my younger sister…
Missing her and wishing I could spend some time with her…
It’s been so long since my elder sister and I have been with her…

“Beloved, you have to be strong…”
“I know…” I revert
Conversations between my reality and the Holy Spirit.

As I sat in church this morning, the instrumentalists and vocals were lovely…The choir displayed prodigious amounts of talent.

But my mind could not fathom the lovely, joyous celebration. I felt as though my head would soon delineate the outline of my brains, through my, so I believe, ‘auspicious’ scalp. The migraine that enveloped me could not even be remotely described as terrible…there was no scale for it. I wanted to go home, close my curtains and escape under the bed…that’s the only place,where I would be embraced by pin drop silence and no light piercing my retina.

My bones hurt and if I didn’t know better, I probably would have thought myself menopausal due to the indescribable temperatures that played havoc with my body. My tummy wretched in trepidation for the solemn agony it was undergoing at that moment…

I sat there…tears streaming down my face…
I tried to harden my heart and behave like the queen…
After all colonization had done for us…surely, those dead Brits would be shamed at my open emotional state with a causal factor of pain…

I rub my temple, praying that this small gesture would somewhat destroy the pain, reminiscing a conversation with my elder sister’s brother in law at the church compound.
His body was acquainted with this journey…
For him, after a few years of remission, the cancer had reared its head again…
He had recently been discharged, after undergoing surgery and completed rounds of chemo. Now, here he was a few days later, driving and so enthusiastic with life. He embraced me and joyfully inquired of my health. I responded with the usual…”I’m okay”…

But with him, my okay was not from a need to get the conversation over and done with, it came from a place of disgrace. I felt embarrassed to even begin describing my pains to him. He was worse off than I, but was cheerfully facing his days with renewed fervor, fighting the disease like a matador in a ring.

Cancer knows no bounds. It does not discriminate against the rich or the poor.
It’s the devil’s incarnate for sure…
It steals everything from you until you have nothing more to offer.

I have had three surgeries in a span of one year.
And now…the doctors want another piece of me…

I look at my torso and abdomen, lined with sporadic healing cuts like a jigsaw puzzle. I look like an alien…
“Beloved, you can see, you can walk, you can hear…
It could be worse…”
I begin to chat with my subconscious mind.
“I know…,”my reality says.
“It’s just all so mind boggling…”

You see, I feel I can deal with the cancer…and somewhat the pain too…
But the final piece the doctors want from me…
It is and still remains quite an abstruse idea..
They want my uterus. The doctors feel, I need to let go of my uterus to be healthy and pain free.

You see, years ago…as I was going home from a bible study…,
I was raped, and by the time I spoke about the incident to anyone, I was six months pregnant and clinically depressed.

My parents, were greatly grieved by the situation. In their own way, they made decisions, trusting that they were protecting me.
The doctor faithfully advised them on the way forward. I was so young…I wish that certain things were different then…

After a scan, I was quickly wheeled in for an immediate abortion. I know…it was years ago…
I know… God has forgiven me…
But the little two horned devil keeps whispering in my ear…telling me of how God is a vengeful Lord and my punishment is upon me, like that of David and his conniving act towards Uriah and Bathsheba.

I relive the scan of my baby and the hideous act I allowed myself to go through. My dream since then other than being a doctor, was to feel my baby move within me…and one day hold him or her and nurture them into God’s predisposed destiny for them.

All I wanted was to hold my baby one day…

Later on, when I began dating, and he proposed, I prayed for God to give me the words to tell him. I believed it to be the right thing to do.
So then…I remember voicing to my fiancè about the rape and abortion. He walked out. His Christianity could not allow him to take me as his wife. I was damaged…And now, many years later, I wonder, why the Lord wants to keep allowing me to be a statistic. I don’t know which Christian man would marry me with all my labels and now finally,  without a uterus.

I know I should speak positively and have faith. But my faith is down…
I believed God would heal me, but I had to go into surgery…
I believed God would heal me, but a transplant followed…
I believed healing was my portion, the pain got worse…
I believed He’s Rapha during this illness, but I lost my job…
I believed in my healing soon, but now a hysterectomy is upon me…

My academic mind tells me of the many ways my husband and I could one day have a baby if we so chose to. But right now, my reality is reamed with fear. I have to make a decision sooner rather than later. But I’m weary and tired. I desire the innocence of my childhood. My family so supportive, is also assuredly being affected by the illness. Financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually, my family and I are fully affected. My eldest sister, suffers the most. I have become her first born, she’s more than a caregiver, a best friend  and a sister. I therefore feel the burden to make a decision soon…

So…as I seat and stare blankly through my window…at the beautiful sky…and the sun rays streaming through, this Sabbath, I remember studying Psalms 31 during my quiet time that morning. I quietly murmur a prayer in my heart and know my Lord has brought me from far…

When I was in high school, a friend asked me what my goal in life was, and I said that when they met me in ten years, I would love the Lord even more than then.
So as God has considered me for this journey, I thank Him because He carries me daily, He loves me unconditionally and has promised to never leave nor forsake me…
I know He’s leading me towards a testimony…
Even when I feel the journey is so hard and painful, I will seek to immerse myself in His glory. He is El Hakabod.

Although, I’m riddled with pain and sorrow…I find joy and solace as I recount my conversation with Isaac, my sister’s brother-in-law. It honestly could be worse. I seek to emulate his attitude.

And so…dear Lord, even as I’m riddled in pain and tears flow down freely…I thank You that neither You nor I is dead.

I therefore look at my red painted toe nails, my chubby sausage like fingers and my scarred skin and duly thank God.

Jehovah, teach me to ALWAYS count my blessings.

I thank you for your resurrection power. In you I live and move and have my being.